A Practical Question

Justin, Drew, and I went to the Cinerama this afternoon to see a brand new print of "The Godfather." Goes without saying it's an excellent movie. I don't love it to the extent that so many do. Trying to make mobsters sympathetic just bothers me. Before a bunch of fanboys going flying off the handle, let me say again, it's an excellent movie and I really do love it. But I've gotta say that a practical question came to mind during quite possibly the most famous scene of the entire film. As you may have guessed the scene in question is the "horse's head" scene. If you've never seen "The Godfather," be warned, this is not for the squeamish.



Now... The question came to mind. Is Jack Woltz the heaviest sleeper in the world? How do you not notice when someone walks into your room in the middle of the night, then puts the severed head of a horse in your bed, leaving your sheets soaked in blood? I posed this to the fellas (along with Drew's buddy Mark who we ran into outside the theater afterwards). It turned out I wasn't the only one who wondered about this and we considered the many twisted and hilarious possibilities for what probably would have happened realistically. Here's one of them in screenplay form.

INT. JACK WOLTZ'S BED ROOM. NIGHT. The door opens slowly. As it creaks Luca tip toes inside carrying the head of Khartoum, blood dripping everywhere. Luca steps up to Woltz's bed. Woltz snores even louder than your grandpa between giggles. He's having a very funny dream about chickens the size of people who play pianos. Luca slowly lifts the covers and very carefully he places the he-

WOLTZ
(bolting up)
Chicken piana playas!

Luca is stopped cold.

WOLTZ
What have you...WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!!!!

LUCA
(sheepish)
Well...this I must admit Mr. Woltz...This is embarrassing.

Woltz begins breathing heavily, too shocked to produce words. Luca looks around holding the head, not quite sure what to do next.

LUCA
May your first child be a masculine child.

Luca unceremoniously drops the head on the floor and quickly exits the room, carefully closing the door behind him. Woltz now begins to scream in a tremendous display of overacting. Cinephiles everywhere gush for the next 36 years.


Well I hope you enjoyed my fabulous re-imaging of one of the most memorable moments in the history of film. And may your first child be a masculine child. Good night.